Sacramento Weekly Meet Discussion (dead meet, but how the SRIC started)
02-17-2004, 09:25 AM
#2029
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Arthur: We have ridden the length and breadth of England-
Guard on the wall: You've got two coconuts and you're banging 'em together!
Guard on the wall: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Well, coconuts are tropical. This is a temperate zone.
Arthur: The swallow may fly south in winter, and _ _, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Guard on the wall: You've got two coconuts and you're banging 'em together!
Guard on the wall: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Well, coconuts are tropical. This is a temperate zone.
Arthur: The swallow may fly south in winter, and _ _, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
02-17-2004, 09:27 AM
#2030
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Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[trumpets]
Arthur: Camelot!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.
Arthur: Shh!
Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [solo] I have to push the pram a lot.
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
[trumpets]
Arthur: Camelot!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.
Arthur: Shh!
Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [solo] I have to push the pram a lot.
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
02-17-2004, 09:29 AM
#2031
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French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sundry silly persons. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King and all your silly English k-nig-ots!
Galahad: Are you French?
French Soldier: Of course I am French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrrageous accent!
Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business!
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
French Soldier: Hello stuffy English k-nig-ots and Arthur King who has the brains of a duck you know. How you English say again, I unplug my nose in your general direction, you sons of a window dresser. So you think you could out-clever us French folk with all your knees-bent dancing about silly behaviour. I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom wipers.
King Arthur: Open this door!
French Soldier: No chance, you English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing! You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
King Arthur: If you do not open this door we shall take this castle by force!
(Garbage is dumped on Arthur's head; he and Bedeviere depart, fuming)
French Soldiers jeer; Soldier: Yes, depart... or we shoot fire arrows in the tops of your hands and make castanets out of your ********* already.
Galahad: Are you French?
French Soldier: Of course I am French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrrageous accent!
Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business!
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
French Soldier: Hello stuffy English k-nig-ots and Arthur King who has the brains of a duck you know. How you English say again, I unplug my nose in your general direction, you sons of a window dresser. So you think you could out-clever us French folk with all your knees-bent dancing about silly behaviour. I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom wipers.
King Arthur: Open this door!
French Soldier: No chance, you English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing! You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
King Arthur: If you do not open this door we shall take this castle by force!
(Garbage is dumped on Arthur's head; he and Bedeviere depart, fuming)
French Soldiers jeer; Soldier: Yes, depart... or we shoot fire arrows in the tops of your hands and make castanets out of your ********* already.
02-17-2004, 09:31 AM
#2032
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Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man.
Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis."
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!
Dennis: Man.
Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis."
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!
02-17-2004, 09:37 AM
#2034
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Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel... auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen
swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel... auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen
swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
02-17-2004, 09:38 AM
#2035
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Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.
All: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
...
Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer...
All: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
...
Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer...
02-17-2004, 09:39 AM
#2036
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King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
02-17-2004, 09:40 AM
#2037
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King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?
02-17-2004, 09:41 AM
#2038
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Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!
02-17-2004, 09:42 AM
#2039
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Zoot: Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes... it's not a good name.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes... it's not a good name.
