How to simulate the life of a US Navy Sailor.
02-12-2007, 01:51 PM
#1
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: -47.15, -126.716667
Posts: 1,140
Car Info: 2005 Legacy GT Lmt
How to simulate the life of a US Navy Sailor.
How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
* Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside
and out, and live in it for six months.
* Run all the pipes and wires in your house
exposed on the walls.
* Repaint your entire house every month. Color
Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey
* Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always
refer to it as the "head"). Build a wall across the
middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the
showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower,
make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
(Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water
rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are
showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
* Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of
your front and back doors so that you either trip or
bang your head every time you pass through them.
* Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every
week.
* On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your
water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On
Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too
much water during the week, so no bathing will be
allowed. (call it "water hours")
* Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the
ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out
and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under
your mattress to press them!
* Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the
closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open
the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine
a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."
* Make your family qualify to operate each
appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender
technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")
* Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am,
blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille,
all hands heave out and trice up."
* Have your mother-in-law write down everything
she's going to do the following day, then have her
make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she
reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
* Submit a request chit to your father-in-law
requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
(call it "Early-Liberty")
* Empty all the garbage bins in your house and
sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs
it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as
"****-CAN's")
* Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a
month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every
5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail
Call")
* Watch no TV except for movies played in the
middle of the night. Have your family vote on which
movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it
"Movie Call")
* Make your family menu a week ahead of time
without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
* Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your
family that they are having steak for dinner. Then
make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally
get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak,
but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse
**** sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.( Horse ****= BOLOGNA)
* Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the
cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level
it off.
* Get up every night around midnight and have a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE **** on
stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
* Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as
fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt
button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it
"FIRE DRILL")
* Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and
shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family
members on how fast they respond.
* Put the headphones from your stereo on your
head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around
your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove,
and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and
stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
* Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have
your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4
hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is
worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK
WATCH")
* When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a
wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as
you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a
bucket so you can puke in it.
* Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget
priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to
simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler
room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed
water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it,
drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of
the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it
gets hotter!
* Have someone under the age of ten give you a
haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a
little off the sides.
* Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
* Lock yourself and your family in the house for
six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week
you are going to take them to Disney World for
"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the
trip to Disney World has been canceled because they
need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be
another week before they can leave the house because
you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
* Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
* Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting
a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo
train coming out your butt hole.
* Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in
practice, chewing not required!
* Shout out every time a women comes into your
room, "female in quarters"!
* Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside
and out, and live in it for six months.
* Run all the pipes and wires in your house
exposed on the walls.
* Repaint your entire house every month. Color
Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey
* Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always
refer to it as the "head"). Build a wall across the
middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the
showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower,
make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
(Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water
rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are
showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
* Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of
your front and back doors so that you either trip or
bang your head every time you pass through them.
* Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every
week.
* On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your
water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On
Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too
much water during the week, so no bathing will be
allowed. (call it "water hours")
* Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the
ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out
and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under
your mattress to press them!
* Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the
closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open
the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine
a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."
* Make your family qualify to operate each
appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender
technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")
* Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am,
blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille,
all hands heave out and trice up."
* Have your mother-in-law write down everything
she's going to do the following day, then have her
make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she
reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
* Submit a request chit to your father-in-law
requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
(call it "Early-Liberty")
* Empty all the garbage bins in your house and
sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs
it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as
"****-CAN's")
* Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a
month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every
5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail
Call")
* Watch no TV except for movies played in the
middle of the night. Have your family vote on which
movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it
"Movie Call")
* Make your family menu a week ahead of time
without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
* Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your
family that they are having steak for dinner. Then
make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally
get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak,
but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse
**** sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.( Horse ****= BOLOGNA)
* Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the
cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level
it off.
* Get up every night around midnight and have a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE **** on
stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
* Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as
fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt
button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it
"FIRE DRILL")
* Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and
shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family
members on how fast they respond.
* Put the headphones from your stereo on your
head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around
your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove,
and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and
stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
* Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have
your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4
hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is
worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK
WATCH")
* When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a
wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as
you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a
bucket so you can puke in it.
* Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget
priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to
simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler
room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed
water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it,
drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of
the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it
gets hotter!
* Have someone under the age of ten give you a
haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a
little off the sides.
* Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
* Lock yourself and your family in the house for
six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week
you are going to take them to Disney World for
"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the
trip to Disney World has been canceled because they
need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be
another week before they can leave the house because
you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
* Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
* Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting
a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo
train coming out your butt hole.
* Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in
practice, chewing not required!
* Shout out every time a women comes into your
room, "female in quarters"!
02-14-2007, 07:48 PM
#5
Registered User
iTrader: (1)
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mount Vernon, Washington
Posts: 2,106
Car Info: 2002 WRX
Life as a submariner
1)Spend as much time as you can indoors during the daytime, stay out of direct sunlight. Go to work only before sunrise and come home after sunset.
2)Paint everything around you Sea Foam Green (Navy NSN Green, no substitutions) or Off-White to be sure you are living in a clean, happy environment. Every Friday, set an alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound. Then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and a greeny. Clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless.
3)Eat food that you can only get out of a can and requires water in order to eat it. Empty out your refrigerator and turn the temperature control down, turning the refrigerator into a freezer. Get rid of all fresh fruits and vegetables.
4)Repeat back everything spoken to you. Repeat back everything spoken to you.
5)Sit in your car for six hours at a time with the motor running. Keep hands on the wheel. But don’t leave your driveway. Log readings of your oil pressure, water temperature, speedometer and odometer every 15 minutes.
6)Put Lube Oil in your humidifier instead of water. Set it on high.
7)Buy a trash compactor; use it only once a week. Store the rest of the garbage in your bathroom.
8)Don’t watch movies except in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9)Have the paperboy give you a standard Navy haircut.
10)Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters. But only for a six hour period.
11)Sleep with your dirty laundry.
12)For you old mechanics, set your lawn mower in the middle of the living room while it is running. Only for six hours a day.
13)Invite guests but don’t prepare enough food for everyone. Serve food cold. Limit the time they sit at the table to 10 minutes.
14)Wake up at midnight every night and make a peanut butter sandwich, use stale bread. Better yet, make your own bread but cut 3 inch thick slices and use these. Optional: warm up some canned Ravioli or soup.
15)Make your family a menu for the week without knowing what food is in the cabinets.
16)Set your alarm clock for various times at night; adjust the volume to the maximum. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get your clothes on as fast as you can, run outside and grab the garden hose. Then go back to bed and do it all again when the alarm goes off.
17)Once a month take apart every appliance completely and then put them back together.
18)Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to six hours before drinking it.
19)Invite at least 85 people you really don’t like and have them stay for a couple of months.
20)Store your eggs in the garbage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
21)Have a fluorescent lamp installed under your coffee table and lie underneath it to read books.
22)Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key around your neck on a special chain.
24)Every so often, yell "EMERGENCY DEEP!" run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off of the counters onto the floor, and then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen area "Stowed for Sea!"
25)Put on the stereo headphones (don’t plug them in), go to the stove and stand in front of it. Say (to no one in particular) "Stove manned and ready" stay there for 3 to 4 hours. Say (once again and to no one in particular) "Stove secured", then role up your headphone cord and put them away.
26)Pull out your refrigerator and clean behind it for 4 hours and then put it back when you are done. Have your wife come and check every 10 minutes with a flashlight to see how you are doing.
27)When doing your laundry fill it only 1/3 full, sit in front of your washing machine in your underwear and read a book or magazine you’ve read at least 5 times before in the last week. When the wash is done, only run the dryer for half the normal time.
28)Fix-up a shelf in your closet that will serve as your bunk for the next six months. Take the door off of the hinges and replace them with curtains. While asleep, have family members shine a flashlight in your eyes at random intervals and say either "Sign this!" or "Sorry, wrong rack!"
I feel ya
1)Spend as much time as you can indoors during the daytime, stay out of direct sunlight. Go to work only before sunrise and come home after sunset.
2)Paint everything around you Sea Foam Green (Navy NSN Green, no substitutions) or Off-White to be sure you are living in a clean, happy environment. Every Friday, set an alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound. Then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and a greeny. Clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless.
3)Eat food that you can only get out of a can and requires water in order to eat it. Empty out your refrigerator and turn the temperature control down, turning the refrigerator into a freezer. Get rid of all fresh fruits and vegetables.
4)Repeat back everything spoken to you. Repeat back everything spoken to you.
5)Sit in your car for six hours at a time with the motor running. Keep hands on the wheel. But don’t leave your driveway. Log readings of your oil pressure, water temperature, speedometer and odometer every 15 minutes.
6)Put Lube Oil in your humidifier instead of water. Set it on high.
7)Buy a trash compactor; use it only once a week. Store the rest of the garbage in your bathroom.
8)Don’t watch movies except in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9)Have the paperboy give you a standard Navy haircut.
10)Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters. But only for a six hour period.
11)Sleep with your dirty laundry.
12)For you old mechanics, set your lawn mower in the middle of the living room while it is running. Only for six hours a day.
13)Invite guests but don’t prepare enough food for everyone. Serve food cold. Limit the time they sit at the table to 10 minutes.
14)Wake up at midnight every night and make a peanut butter sandwich, use stale bread. Better yet, make your own bread but cut 3 inch thick slices and use these. Optional: warm up some canned Ravioli or soup.
15)Make your family a menu for the week without knowing what food is in the cabinets.
16)Set your alarm clock for various times at night; adjust the volume to the maximum. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get your clothes on as fast as you can, run outside and grab the garden hose. Then go back to bed and do it all again when the alarm goes off.
17)Once a month take apart every appliance completely and then put them back together.
18)Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to six hours before drinking it.
19)Invite at least 85 people you really don’t like and have them stay for a couple of months.
20)Store your eggs in the garbage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
21)Have a fluorescent lamp installed under your coffee table and lie underneath it to read books.
22)Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key around your neck on a special chain.
24)Every so often, yell "EMERGENCY DEEP!" run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off of the counters onto the floor, and then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen area "Stowed for Sea!"
25)Put on the stereo headphones (don’t plug them in), go to the stove and stand in front of it. Say (to no one in particular) "Stove manned and ready" stay there for 3 to 4 hours. Say (once again and to no one in particular) "Stove secured", then role up your headphone cord and put them away.
26)Pull out your refrigerator and clean behind it for 4 hours and then put it back when you are done. Have your wife come and check every 10 minutes with a flashlight to see how you are doing.
27)When doing your laundry fill it only 1/3 full, sit in front of your washing machine in your underwear and read a book or magazine you’ve read at least 5 times before in the last week. When the wash is done, only run the dryer for half the normal time.
28)Fix-up a shelf in your closet that will serve as your bunk for the next six months. Take the door off of the hinges and replace them with curtains. While asleep, have family members shine a flashlight in your eyes at random intervals and say either "Sign this!" or "Sorry, wrong rack!"
I feel ya
02-15-2007, 02:48 AM
#8
Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: ewa beach, Hawaii
Posts: 46
Car Info: 02 WRX
Originally Posted by Mister 2
LOL! People should try it for a couple of weeks before they decide to enlist.
02-15-2007, 05:17 PM
#9
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: -47.15, -126.716667
Posts: 1,140
Car Info: 2005 Legacy GT Lmt
Originally Posted by pwnx0rz
do guys really become gay in the navy?
Last edited by Howler; 02-15-2007 at 05:21 PM.
02-16-2007, 10:00 AM
#11
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: -47.15, -126.716667
Posts: 1,140
Car Info: 2005 Legacy GT Lmt
That was a dumb *** question but i guess i should have expected it as you are probably from CA. After all the idiots and morons i have seen out here i should have not been surprised. I swear there should be some sort of minimal IQ level required before you are allowed to access the internet unsupervised. Especially in California...
Last edited by Howler; 02-16-2007 at 11:52 AM.
02-17-2007, 10:25 AM
#13
VIP Member
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 4,143
Car Info: Ver IV STi Wagon
Originally Posted by pwnx0rz
do guys really become gay in the navy?
02-17-2007, 08:07 PM
#15
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iTrader: (4)
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 4,143
Car Info: Ver IV STi Wagon
Originally Posted by buckeyemike75
How about FREAKING FOD walk-down's every damn morning, rain or shine.........man I hated those.