The Official: Joke Thread... Got Jokes?
The Official: Joke Thread... Got Jokes?
11-22-2002, 01:18 PM
#2
This Guy Can Hella Draw!
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The pope and a fish:
http://www.whocutthecheez.com/Jokes/archive/051702.htm
http://www.whocutthecheez.com/Jokes/archive/051702.htm
03-31-2004, 09:32 PM
#3
Yeah, You've Probably Never Heard Of Me.
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Location: in a glass case of emotion.
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A man walking by a house sees a sign that reads: "Talking Dog for
Sale."
He walks up to the door, rings the bell and asks about the dog.
The owner tells him the dog is in the back. The guy goes into the
backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and decided I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my ability, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, eavesdropping on spies and world leaders. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****!"
Sale."
He walks up to the door, rings the bell and asks about the dog.
The owner tells him the dog is in the back. The guy goes into the
backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and decided I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my ability, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, eavesdropping on spies and world leaders. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****!"
03-31-2004, 09:58 PM
#6
Registered User
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Location: Gilroy, CA
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worr! y about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we g! o to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Kurlee Daddee
(THE ORIGINAL)
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we g! o to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Kurlee Daddee
(THE ORIGINAL)
03-31-2004, 11:46 PM
#12
VIP Member
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Here's an attempt: That one guy who had the saying "I think, therefore I am" (forgot his name)... ok ok...
Anyways.. he' on a plane and a flight attendant asks if he would like a beverage, coke or pepsi... his reply: "I think not" .... and then he propmtly dissappeared.
..ya some ppl dont get that one right away.
One more.. pretty lame,
How come you should never try to steal a Mexican's bike?? ...... Because it might be yours!!
Don't take any offense to that one ppl, this is all in fun... go ahead an make as many white ppl jokes as you like, I'll be laughing too!
Anyways.. he' on a plane and a flight attendant asks if he would like a beverage, coke or pepsi... his reply: "I think not" .... and then he propmtly dissappeared.
..ya some ppl dont get that one right away.
One more.. pretty lame,
How come you should never try to steal a Mexican's bike?? ...... Because it might be yours!!
Don't take any offense to that one ppl, this is all in fun... go ahead an make as many white ppl jokes as you like, I'll be laughing too!
04-01-2004, 01:11 AM
#15
Registered User
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Location: Downtown oakland
Posts: 6,249
Car Info: civic
a blonde runs into a library screaming "help help i need a doctor"
the librarian looks confused and whispers, "sorry miss, this is a library". The blonde looks around and apologizes and whispers "help, i need a doctor"
the librarian looks confused and whispers, "sorry miss, this is a library". The blonde looks around and apologizes and whispers "help, i need a doctor"